Full Stopage

Soo over the last week I have been pretty bunged up, and I know you wanted to know that.  Thing haven’t been working smoothly. For you army types. Bowels working, bowels working, bowels stop. What is the immediate action drill? Much like I learned in the army clean equipment works the best. So there I go down to the drug store to pick up some much need cleaning supplies to get the working parts moving smoothly again.

At the store I see what is needed on the bottom shelf, bend over to pick it up and well, shit started to happen, (take that pun anyway you want). Bending at the waist felt like it did the trick, things started to move, not “explosive” moving, but moving none the less. At this point I had a command decision to make, buy what I originally came in for or spend the money on lamaze classes because whatever was moving was big and going to be painful. The decision was made to pick up the items just in case of a false positive.

While standing in line this flamboyant fella wearing pastels says to me “all compacted eh?” now before you call me a homophobe,  your the one who read that with a lisp. I wasn’t in the mood for idol chit chat and just wanted to get out of there. Though maybe, in retrospect I should have talked to the material subject expert and he could offer a few tips.

So there I am in line with my bowel buddy cookies, colon flush pills, and what I think is an attachment for a power washer. Just in case I need to attack this problem from both fronts. The issue however is time is running out. Things inside the old bowels are moving, not quick, but definitely moving.

It never fails, your late for work and its the one day there is construction on the road to delay you further. This is no different, wouldn’t you know it, the guy ahead of me couldn’t pay for his purchases to save his life, debt,,denied, credit card,,overdrawn, cash, its somewhere in the multitude of pockets connected to the backpack, Hey buddy, you don’t need that bag of chips and choco bar, I don’t mean that in the asshole “your five hundred pounds and can skip a few treats” sort of way, No, if your accounts dry, credit maxed, give the extra spending a break. That’s some life skills for you.

So anyway I finally pay for my stuff and get the hell out of there, get home and I was right , its a false positive, nothing much happened aside from some grunting and heavy breathing, which is usually a good thing.

On a side note, from what I have heard from other people in this situation who had to use suppositories, as I know nothing about this (cough). If you are going to call something “lubricated’  FUCKING lubricate the FUCK out of it, not just a lite coating. Not all of us are as experienced as the rainbow coalition at shoving things where the sun don’t shine, it’s a exit only for most of us. Not all people have a tube of KY jelly kicking around. I know some of you males out there do, and no, I’m not talking about the live in the village in a one bedroom with my “roommate” crowd. (for those keeping score that’s the third reference) I’m talking about the group who would appreciate the boobs on the ”‘…and porn page“. If you need lubricant for you and your girlfriend. Google “foreplay”. Your girlfriend will thank you for it. There are some more life skills for you. rant end.

 

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